I am my own worst critic.
Sometimes Jesus asks us to do strange things, and He has been persistent on this latest idea for at least a week. Keep a tally. Just for a day. Record exactly how much I talk down to inner workings, say something self depricating, apologize for no reason, or harbor over-critical self assertions. Anytime I looked in the mirror and picked out a flaw. Anytime I groaned about the way my shirt fits. Anytime I chastised over a particular habit. Anytime I made a joke at my own expense. I wasn't resistant to the idea really, mostly absent minded. However in the end His goodness and my own curiosity beat out both concepts. I think that He wanted to show me something important, and the results at the end of the day were, well...
For the purposes of clarity and scientific (ha) inquiry, I should note that I tried to pick an average day around mostly positive (or at least balanced) people. And I came out with these results after a 24 hour period:
Apologizing--3 times
Saying something self-negative aloud: 6 times
Harboring a self-negative thought: 40 times.
...ick. Forty. FORTY.
Ok, point taken. I'll be nicer to me. Being nicer to me turns into a direct cause/effect relationship that I often overlook--the more mercy I extend to me, the more I am able to extend to others. Right? That's the point?
Well, yes. It's a correct statement, and that lesson alone can take a lifetime to learn. I don't want to downplay it's importance. But I was in the metaphorical classroom and the Teacher was just getting started.
You know those silly online quizzes out there? "What Divergent faction are you in?" "Which Hogwarts house would you be assigned to?" "What is your Meyers-Briggs personality type?" "Which is your patronus?" I always end up in the ones that everyone hates. Amity. Hufflepuff. INFP. I haven't taken the Patronus one, but I'd probably be a sweater your grandmother made (which is its own division in the mythical animal spectrum). These are categories that recognise someone as soft, bright, and loyal. And, in every representation of the word...weak. At the end of the story I'm in the group that the reader looks at in ambivalent frustration and asks, "good grief, what GOOD are you?"
Which brings me to the spiritual gift of mercy.
If the more inquisitive reader wants to check out their own spiritual gifts, there are several sources to help them do so. As a curious creature, I adore soaking up information about how I or other people tick. The categorical gifts are scripture based, all-accessible, and vital to the Bride. To know how a person is gifted is to know what feeds them. Put them together and create the kaleidoscope the is the church. A stunning view, in my opinion.
I was speaking with a friend of mine a while back. It was a great conversation, weaving through the people and causes we were most passionate about. I have a special place in my heart set aside for the broken hearted. I mentioned this, among other things, and then I said exactly the wrong thing. I said I had a heart for people who've been hurt by the church.
My friend was kind in his rebuttal, and what could have been a spirited debate was left to smolder into polite and courteous discussion of other topics--which I appreciated, greatly. But I couldn't quite rid myself of lingering self consciousness. The rest of the night was spent tasting the awkward flavor of my own foot crammed in my mouth. Dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
It wasn't until about a few months later when I came to a startling realization--one in which I had no expectation of arriving at. ...I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry I voiced it, and continue to do so. I'm not sorry that I feel that way. I'm not sorry that it's that type of thing that I pray over, persistently, constantly, stubbornly.
I'm not sorry in the least.
The reasons why encompass a discussion for another day in another forum. The point is not about disagreement. I think I was able to start coming to grips with the idea of purpose. Empathy was not a weakness here. It was an asset. If used properly, it's always an asset.
The ability to see people the way that He sees them is a precious skill. When we are entrusted with such gifts--service, prophecy, healing, wisdom, faith, and yes, mercy--we are entrusted with a facet of the very personality of God. Those gifted in mercy are often kind, patient, gracious, empathetic, and oddly--calculating. When observing an individual they are acutely aware of the forces at work-the past they may be running from, the anger they may be fostering, the pain they may be nursing, or the anxiety they may be hiding. They work on a sneakier level, often seeking to create a space where it's safe to be vulnerable. Genuine healing can only take place when fallacies are stripped away and a soul can be raw before the Great Physician. If those who hurt don't find Him, won't look for Him, refuse to go to Him, or aren't aware of His incredible availability, then wholeness is impossible. That brand of healing is hand made and shoddy. Who is going to tell them if it isn't us?
The point of this thoughtful meandering is not to elevate one gift, or some gifts, over another. They are all so amazingly important within the spectrum of the Body. But I sense there are others gifted in mercy and graciousness that also see themselves as weak and useless. This should not be so. After all, Jesus was one who was the great Emphathizer, He who experienced a chaotic world in crowded human skin. After all, He was the one who endured a suffering as inconsequential as thirst while SIMULTANEOUSLY enduring the greatest physical, mental, and spiritual anguish that was the cross. He didn't have to do anything to gain our trust. Yet in His love, He did everything. It is not mercy that represents weakness here.
Please be encouraged. Look up, lovely one. We are redeemed. We are worthwhile. Just as in service, and prophecy, and exhortation--the world needs what we have.
And should you ever doubt your strength in this matter, just remember that there is a reason the Hufflepuff mascot is a badger.
